Have you ever dated someone and you knew something was just… off.
When you asked the person about it they completely deny it. Not only did they deny it, but they turned it around on you and made you feel like it was all your fault. Or that you were completely wrong or even crazy for feeling that way.
Yet still you can’t shake that nagging feeling that no matter what they say, something is just not right.
I recently watched a documentary about Christopher Watts who killed his wife and daughters. His wife knew there was something wrong in their marriage. She asked him, begged him, to tell her what was wrong. Yet in all their texts, he kept saying everything was fine and that he loved her and was happy with her.
In this documentary she said to him – you are not acting the same, you are not yourself, you have pulled away. Yet he completely denied anything was different in the relationship and said I love you, I don’t know why you feel this way.
But of course police discovered that he was having an affair.
Gaslighting is a way people avoid personal responsibility and always place the blame on someone else’s shoulders.
And they are so convincing that you start to believe it.
You know you are being gaslighted when:
- Someone pretends everything is great in the relationship and they are happy, but you have a nagging feeling even anxiety that things are not ok.
- They use the “offense is the best defense” technique and turn the situation back around on you. You see this alot in cheating. When the cheater is caught one of the first things they ask you is “why were you going through my things”.
- Their actions and words are not in alignment. I love spending time with you, baby its just that I’m so busy at work right now. But then you see that they are back on bumble and their tracking has them downtown, probably on a date.
So what do you do when this occurs?
Set a firm boundary and see if they can actually follow through. For example:
If weekend dates are the issue you’d say: “We have spent the past 3 weekends apart. In order to feel fulfilled in a relationship, I need to be able to spend one night of the weekend together. Is this possible for you?” If they say yes, nail it down. “Great, can we make plans for this weekend then”?
If they make excuses or lash out, then you know that they are not going to be able to meet your emotional needs and this is not likely to change.
Gaslighting doesn’t just occur in romantic relationships. It occurs in all relationships- working relationships, relatives, and friends.
You can always tell because of the nagging feeling of anxiety or frustration that it creates.
The most important thing to remember is that people who gaslight others take absolutely no personal responsibility AND they want to make others responsible for them.
If you make a reasonable request a good person will comply with that request or at least be willing to have an honest discussion.
Don’t get stuck in the trap of doubting yourself.
If you feel like you are being gaslighted, reach out to me and let’s see how I can help.
Stay tuned to learn about more about ghosting and lovebombing. If you missed last week’s post about breadcrumbing, click here to read about it.